Imagine this:

You are sitting in a room at a table. At the table are 5 experts in their fields. You are a stay at home mom, or dad. Or you work full time and had to take a day off just for this meeting.  They start by introducing themselves. They all have fancy titles and letters after their names.  Then they ask your concerns.  You tell them. You’re concerned about behaviors, or grades, or academics, or your child simply making friends.  Then they start talking.  You’re handed page after page of reports, no time to read them all now. They tell you he can’t do this.  He can’t read his letters, can’t count to 50, can’t use the bathroom on his own.  He hits other kids, he pinches or pushes.  But that’s your baby- he’s never hit anyone at home? The ‘experts’ roll their eyes.  “Of course he doesn’t” they say, but you can hear the sarcasm dripping in their voices, like they know more than you. They are the experts after all.   You see the test scores from tests with more fancy labels. ABLLS, DOTS, AABR, etc etc. He scores in the 10th percentile, then the 2nd, then <.01%, <.01%, <.01%, <.01%……

  This is the reality for many parents with children with special needs.  Even if their child has a relatively ‘minor’ learning disability, the panel of experts grilling them and telling them what their child can not do can be devastating.  I have heard many parents come into the meeting with a sense that they have to ‘fight’ for their childs’ needs. And I hear teachers who dread IEP’s because they know that they will get push-back or questioned at every turn by parents or the dreaded “Advocate” telling them how to do their job. But the truth is, it DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY!

I could go on and on about the importance of a good teacher-parent-team relationship.  And mostly because I learned all of this first hand.

I became a teacher because I LOVE WORKING WITH KIDS!  I did not join the special education world because I just love telling parents what their kids can and can’t do! In my first year teaching, I absolutely dreaded IEP’s.  I was SO scared the parents wouldn’t take me seriously as a young teacher.  I thought they would question my every goal, report, or present level.  And honestly, it has taken more than 5 years for me to really get comfortable with the parents in my program.  I definitely credit my placement I am at now for helping with that one.

Why? Because the County and Principal I work for focus on STRENGTHS! And it has made a world of difference in our IEP’s, and I will share with you how.

Before the meeting- I call the parents and ask about their concerns.  I also try to get my report and any providers reports at least a few days early and send them home with “Draft” on the top. Not only is this Best Practices, the parent is able to read it through and can feel as prepared as you do for the meeting.  They wont feel rushed or like they are missing something.  And it helps with time if you don’t have to read your report word for word during the meeting.

Then, during the IEP, the team always begins with things that are strengths for the student, funny stories, anecdotes about how well they are demonstrating their goals.
They ask parents what their concerns are, and instead of trying to instantly fix them (“Oh have you tried X Y Z??”), they actually Listen. They commiserate with the parents. They feel them.  And is not a pitying conversation, not in the slightest.  We genuinely feel for them, feel their struggles and heartache.  We know the child, but we can’t possibly know what you the parent are going through. We have these children for 6 hours a day. You have them in your day and in your heart 24/7/365.

Next we all try to write Strength Based IEP’s. I am working on a new blog post for how to write your own because it is something I feel so passionate about, but for now I will summarize.  During the writing and testing process before an IEP, I will simply write everything that needs to be said.  Then I go back and CTRL+F for any CAN’T or NOT ABLE. I try to change those into positive things the student CAN or IS ABLE to do. For example.  If I am writing that John is not able to use the bathroom independently, I can go back and change it to “John is able to currently complete 4/8 of the toiletting process independently”.  Still basically saying the same thing, but it is SO much easier for the parent to hear. Plus the data will still support me, and we know what to focus on next year specifically, instead of just a list of can’ts.

With Triennials and Assessments, depending on your district, you may HAVE to report with numbers and statistics.  I am in a program with significant physical and mental needs where standardized assessment is not always appropriate or applicable.  But if you do and the child is consistently scoring in the lower ranges (like .01%, what the heck does that even tell you?) I believe it would benefit not only the parent, but the team in general to put this disclaimer, stated by you or even in the report:

This report contains a lot of numbers that may seem low or depressing.  But numbers can not tell you how sweet, or caring, or bright your child truly is.  And while this test may measure X Y & Z, it is NOT a complete picture of who your child is and their true strengths and needs. 

Believe me, I LOVE data. And I love the important information that data can tell us about some kiddos, discovering learning gaps or knowledge we didn’t know the student has.  If the scores are impressive, by all means, share it! Share your joy for discovering all of these hidden talents this child has. But if it doesn’t, I really don’t see the point in focusing on all of those low numbers.

Behavior Data can also be equally depressing to parents, but as a teacher, super necessary to report! Especially if you are trying to justify needing a behavior plan, extra aides or classroom support, or just for your administrators to understand how difficult this student can be to accommodate! We need to be heard too!  But while it is important to have your needs met as an educator, it is also important to not solely focus on the detrimental behaviors and how “rough” the child can be.  Trust that the parents usually already knows.  When reporting behavior data, try to also tell about the days that the student didn’t show any behaviors.  For example “Yesterday Mike was able to choose a DVD to watch on Friday and worked so well for it, he only had two small instances of work refusal but redirected nicely.” While you are still reporting some behaviors, you are also reporting on successes. Bring your data with you. Make a nice chart if you can.  There is a reason for the data, and it’s not just because your Behaviorist wants you to do more work!  It is hard to argue against concrete data and facts.  It is also helpful to report on which interventions are working, and even offering to assist the family in creating their own interventions in the home environment.

Of course, despite your best efforts, some meetings will be difficult.  Sometimes it isn’t the best placement for the child despite what the parent thinks. Sometimes the goals or services they are asking for are unrealistic. Sometimes they are already so pitted against you, coming in ready for a fight that you really don’t stand a chance at peaceful mediation.

In those instances, it is important to make sure:

• You are prepared and have prepared your team AND the parents!
• Bring all of your data to back up your claims! Goal and Behavior Data!
• That you report the facts- opinions are useless when trying to get everyone on the same page. You don’t KNOW that Johnny hits his aide because he hates math, but data can show the team for sure that Johnny usually has 5-6 instances of aggression during math time.
• That you and your administrator are on the same wavelength.

But despite all that, you should still do everything in your power to focus on the child’s strengths and creating a sense of unity in the team.  It may help to bring a few pictures of the child to help re-center the discussion on positives and keeping everything in their best interests.  After all, you are all there for the same reason, to help that child succeed!